All I Want For My Rangers Christmas Is…

Santa in Rangers Uniform“Ho ho ho. MERRY….Uh, you’re awful big to be sitting on Santa’s knee. How old are you?”

“57.”

“Aren’t you a little old to believe in Santa?”

“Yeah, well I asked Jon to get me Justin Upton, Zach Greinke and a break-out year for Mitch Moreland last year and I didn’t get squat. Time to go back to the tried and true gift-getting strategy.”

“Fair enough. So, what would you like Santa to bring you this year, little…uh…boy.”

“I want you to bring the Rangers David Price. And Giancarlo Stanton. And Brian McCann. And Nelson Cruz. And Mike Napoli. And…”

“Hold on there, fella. You know Santa can’t bring you ALL of those things, don’t you?”

“But I’ve been a VERY VERY good boy this year, Santa!”

“Yes, but there are lots of other VERY VERY good boys this year and they want some of the same things you do.”

“You’re not including the Astros are you, Santa? Because they weren’t very good at all this year.”

“Yes, but we have to be fair to everyone. So what do you REALLY want Santa to bring you this year?”

“Forget being fair. This is about WINNING!!! I want Price and Stanton and McCann and Cruz and Napoli and…”

“Let’s try this from a different direction, kid. You know the drill. It still has to fall within your parents’ budget. So let’s be a tad more frugal here.”

“My folks are REAL rich. That’s why I don’t understand why they didn’t bring me back Josh Hamilton last year. Although, in retrospect, I guess they had a pretty good reason and it wasn’t something that I would’ve wanted to play with after all. Anyway, why not everything? They can afford it!”

“Needs, kid, NEEDS. Remember what the Stones said? You can’t always get what you want, but you usually get what you need. You want Price, you gotta give up Profar for sure, Holland probably and two of your top five prospects on top of that. And the Marlins say they’re keeping Stanton come hell or high water and he’ll cost you more than Price anyway. So let’s get rid of that pie in the sky Price and Stanton crap and get down to brass tacks. What does this Rangers fan NEED to be happy in 2013?”

(2 minutes of pouting ensues. Finally, Rangers fan replies)

“You’re not at all the way I remember you 50 years ago.”

“Yeah, well corporate cut my pension plan, I’ve had to downsize to six reindeer and there’s an elf accusing me of…Wait. Where were we?”

“What do I NEED to be a happy Rangers fan in 2013.”

“Right. Go ahead. Spit it out.”

“I’ll go ahead and drop Price and Stanton from my list. Reluctantly. But that’s only because we’ve got a pretty strong rotation already and we need more help with the offense. So here goes. I want the Rangers to sign Brian McCann to be the catcher until Jorge Alfaro is ready to go.”

“Anything else?”

“Hey, this won’t cost anything but a little pride. I want Ian Kinsler to agree to move to left field so Jurickson Profar can become the full-time second baseman.Oh, and a brand new set of hamstrings for Adrian Beltre!”

“Kinsler may be doable. Beltre’s hamstrings aren’t in my department.”

“Then I want Texas to sign Justin Morneau to play first base. Jon Daniels said a lot of teams expressed interest in Mitch Moreland. Make him part of a trade package for another piece, maybe a #5 starter. Then we should re-sign Nelson Cruz as our DH in 2013.”

“You want three free agents, huh? That’s a pretty tall order for any team except maybe the Yankees and Dodgers, son.”

“You could give me Price and Stanton. Do that and I’ll live with Moreland  at first for another year.”

“Three free agent signings it is, then. Is that all? I’ve got a line of kids a block and a half long yet to see.”

“Well, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble. How about a trade that nobody’s thought of yet. Kind of like a rabbit JD pulls out of his hat and surprises everyone with, even the writers who’ve started every possible trade rumor anyone could imagine?”

“That might take some doing, but maybe my friend the Sandman can whisper a thought into his head. Now, if that’s all, see that nice elf over there for a candy cane and have a…”

“WAIT!!! One last thing, Santa! Do you think you could make 2014 the year the Rangers finally win it all?”

“I’m just Santa Claus, kid. I deliver the gifts. I don’t control what happens to them after they’ve been opened. For all I know, you’ll break everything I give you in the first week of Spring Training.” 

2 Comments

Steve,

As always your articles bring a smile to my face, this one especially. As a true Angels’ fan I must say that I hope the Rangers get nothing but charcoal this year. Your team will be just fine, it’s my team that I worry about. Well dear friend, I hope to talk to you soon. Merry Christmas!

-ICE

http://angels.mlblogs.com

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